


Game Night

by idanato



Series: The Darkest Mage Timeline [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Dungeons and Dragons, Fluff, Game Spoilers, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-16 13:11:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21271586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idanato/pseuds/idanato
Summary: To suss out whether or not Felix and Lysithea will make good spies, Hubert has come up with a role playing game to test their skills. Unfortunately a few uninvited students (Sylvain, Dorothea, and Ignatz) want in on the game, and soon Hubert is running a dungeons and dragons campaign based on Garreg Mach.





	1. Picking up where we left off

For the first time in months, Hubert’s Thursday night study group actually had people attending, and they were _early_. Felix was sitting with his arms crossed and an expression of “_I’d rather be anywhere else_” while Lysithea was excitedly swinging her legs beneath the slightly too high bench. Hubert set to brewing his coffee and hoped that this meeting of the three of them would not end up with him bound and gagged in a ham fisted interrogation like the last time.

In them he saw great potential — these were two angry ass kids that rivaled a teenage version of Hubert in their angst — and if they had just a little guidance they could be amazing. Lysithea was both charming and alarming and always a mood swing away from killing someone. Hubert could use that, as long as it was not him she was trying to kill. Felix was teetering between looking like a tough, brooding, bad boy and the guy who _cried_ when he asked the professor to join the Black Eagles. Felix needed a place to belong and Hubert was keen to carve out some niche for the skilled swordsman. These two could be extremely useful to Lady Edelgard in the future, and so Hubert had gladly welcomed them into the unusual family he was cultivating.

Hubert had been reluctant at first to enroll in the officers academy as a twenty year old, but after arriving and meeting some of the younger students, Hubert was grateful that he’d been forced to wait for Lady Edelgard to be old enough to attend the academy. He felt like he was able to handle the demands of school and didn’t have the specter of puberty still hanging over his head. He had caring for Edelgard’s needs down to a science — the only new wrench in the cogs of his smooth functioning machine was the princess’ ill-advised crush on their professor, but Hubert was monitoring that situation closely — and he had free time to take care of the rest of these lunatics, and oh how they needed it.

The rest of his house was pretty mixed in their abilities to function. Petra was incredibly mature for fifteen; she amazed and impressed Hubert. Her biggest challenge was communication, but with a little patience and an open mind to strange sentence structure she was easy enough to carry on a great conversation with. Caspar and Linhardt were about where Hubert expected they should be for sixteen — leaving their stinky laundry until they ran out of clothes, focusing on what they wanted to do over what was needed from them, too confident in their skills — and Hubert was making little headway in improving them despite constant lecturing. Ferdinand fancied himself a very accomplished and worldly seventeen year old, but he was also dramatic and too competitive, revealing what Hubert interpreted to be deep seated insecurity. Dorothea understood how to take care of herself — which made Hubert’s job so much easier — but she also was prone to making incomprehensibly bad choices when it came to dating. Then she would come cry to Hubert about it, which had caught him off guard at first but he’d gotten used to it. He supposed it came with the territory of being a friend. Then there was Bernadetta, ugh, poor Bernadetta. Hubert was applying the most gentle touch he was capable of with her, and slowly, she seemed to be coming out of her shell.

“Good evening Hubie,” said Lysithea pleasantly as she looked at him expectantly.

“Do you have questions about your reason homework?” asked Hubert as he set down his mug. He’d let the use of “Hubie” slide from her.

She laughed, “None. I finished my homework on Monday, I’m so glad I’m finally getting a serious education.”

Hubert looked at Felix, whose assignments were hours logged at the training grounds, he didn’t think he was having any problems completing those. Hubert frowned, “Okay, so what brings you two to my study group this evening?”

“We would like to pick up our conversation from the abandoned chapel,” announced Lysithea.

Hubert glanced to the open homeroom door and sighed, “This isn’t really an appropriate venue for discussing such things so freely.”

Felix made a growl, “Fuck, you were just manipulating us to get free.”

“Ah, it speaks,” said Hubert as he pulled out his personal notebook. “I was not manipulating you, but these are not things to take lightly. They need to be discussed with the appropriate level of care.” He drew up a new page, this was to be his greatest project of the semester, a fledgling spy network. “First order of business, we pick code names.”

Lysithea’s eyes widened with excitement, “Oh, yes! We should use dark magic spell names.”

Hubert liked that idea. He smirked at her thinking of one that suited her, “You’re Banshee.”

“Only if you’re Death,” she returned the smirk.

They looked at each other and then at Felix, and in unison agreed, “Mire.”

“Mire, I don’t want to be mire,” grumbled Felix. “I should be Death.”

Lysithea suppressed a laugh and Hubert sighed, “No, you will be Mire. It fits you perfectly. Trust us.”

Lysithea rubbed her chin, “We also need a name for the, affiliates of the Empire, as you put it.”

Hubert groaned, he was no good at coming up with names. “They’re basically snakes, so I’ve been thinking those which slither in the dark.”

Lysithea raised one eyebrow, “That doesn’t really roll of the tongue.”

Didn’t Hubert know it. “Well it makes an acronym, T-W-S-I-T-D, or twisted.”

She hummed along in agreement, “Twisted works, it fits, okay. Slithers also works.” She paused, “Okay so who is a Slither at this school?”

Hubert sighed and sipped his coffee. “You need to prove yourself worthy of the intel.”

Lysithea frowned and Felix sat up, “I think we’ve proved ourselves plenty, we joined this stupid house didn’t we?”

Hubert pointed at Lysithea, “You wanted a serious professor that gave you real homework,” his finger traced to Felix, “And you were booted from the Blue Lions.” He had been rolling around ideas for how he would prep them without actually revealing anything. He needed to understand their minds and learn to predict their reactions to things. Only then could trust them with any information. He had seen how they had handled thinking he was the Death Knight, he couldn’t in good conscious let them loose on the elderly librarian that he suspected of some shady behavior or the fact that he thought Rhea was in fact a giant lizard. “We’re going to play a game.”

At those words both children looked pissed off. Lysithea was first to vocalize her displeasure, “A game, what the fuck Hubert, just tell us what you know.”

Felix’s eye brows practically touched he was so mad, “I don’t play games.”

Hubert sighed and pulled up the careful map of the school he’d made for the occasion, “It’s a role playing game, so I can understand how you will operate.” He was met with unhappy groans. Hubert felt defensive, he’d worked really hard on this!

“Part of the game is making a character,” said Hubert, pressing forward through their protests. “I play mine so well you thought I was the Death Knight. You need to develop an exterior persona. Hide your true nature, only give people what you want them to see.”

Lysithea nodded, “So like when I don’t want people to think I’m a baby.”

“Precisely,” said Hubert. He looked at Felix, “Just like you don’t want people to know how weepy you got when asking to join the Black Eagles.”

Felix blustered and Hubert pulled out the blank character sheet. “You write down what you want people to see, and what you want to hide away. That will help you get into the role.” The two reluctantly got to work.

“Oh, what’s this?” asked the excited high pitched voice of someone going through puberty right behind Hubert.

Hubert turned in horror to see Ignatz behind him with his textbooks. The spectacled Golden Deer gave him an endearing smile, “I’m here for help studying. But what is this, this looks cool!”

“Uh,” started Hubert, totally caught off guard by being snuck up upon by the light footed archer. Ignatz was giving his game an enthusiastic nod and that actually made Hubert feel vindicated, “It’s a role playing game.”

“Neat!” Said Ignatz as he joined the table uninvited. “What’s it called?”

Hubert looked at the map and felt his throat getting dry, “Dungeons…and…dragons. We’re making our characters right now.”

“So what’s the plot?”

Hubert shut his notebook so that the unexpected addition couldn’t read any of it, “Well. You’re students at a school where some of the faculty and staff are secretly evil. You have to figure out who’s bad, and eliminate them.”

“Wow,” said Felix under his breath.

Ignatz on the other hand was eating it up, “This is a good map Hubert, I, I could draw our characters and these villains.”

Hubert listened to the archer and realized this kid was not leaving. Hubert died a little inside, what had happened to him? There was once a time where he could have glared at Ignatz and sent the boy running back to the Alliance. Now his face was ineffective and he was handing the twerp a character sheet. He could still evaluate Lysithea and Felix while humoring Ignatz, and it was gratifying to have someone appreciate the game.

Lysithea was finishing her character, “I am Banshee, the youngest, most accomplished sorceress to come to, what is the name of our fake school?”

“It’s just Garreg Mach,” said Hubert, again, he was no good at coming up with names.

Lysithea rolled her eyes as she continued to write. Ignatz was also scribbling, “I’m going to be a knight, Sir Ignacio.”

Felix groaned. “I’m Mire, and I hate this.”

Hubert heard a familiar clicking of heels, and looked up to see Dorothea coming into the homeroom looking upset, “I thought you had a date —”

“It went horribly,” said Dorothea dramatically. She paused taking in the scene, “What is this?”

“We’re making characters for a role playing game,” said Ignatz cheerfully.

Dorothea gave Hubert a questioning look, Hubert shrugged, this was out of his control at this point, “Do you want to play?”

Sylvain burst in after Dorothea, “Babe I’m so sorry —” He looked at the study group, “What is this, some kind of virgin support group?”

Hubert scowled, Sylvain had no idea what he’d had to do with Shamir to steal the dice for this game, “Why, do you need to get something off your chest?”

Sylvain was peeking over Lysithea’s shoulder, and gave Felix a weird look, “What are you doing man?”

Felix had been avoiding all the Blue Lions since becoming a Black Eagle. Hubert wondered if his transition would be easier if Felix could rebuild some bridges. It was difficult to move through this world alone. Hubert cleared his throat, “Sylvain, would you like to play Dungeons and Dragons with us? If not, get out of here.”

Sylvain looked at Dorothea, “I’ll play your nerd game if Dorothea is joining.”

Dorothea folded her arms, “Role playing, okay, fine. I’ll role play kicking your ass.”

Hubert gave them both character sheets, so much for starting his spy network, now he running a campaign for these idiots.


	2. Meet the Players

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Sylvain. Dick jokes incoming.

Sylvain leaned back looking quite pleased with his character sheet, “I am Jose, bearer of the crest of Hornier.” There was a collective groan around the table.

Hubert cringed, “Are you sure you want to commit to that?”

“Hell yeah I do. I’m proud to be the heir of Hornier, although my crest has been a great burden upon me. It leaves me with the power to pleasure ladies beyond their wildest dreams, but makes it nearly impossible to find true love. Do ladies love me for me, or the tender loving I deliver? Will I find someone that can help me break my family curse?” Sylvain had spent almost all of his skill points on charisma. Hubert hoped that his lack of defense would mean that his character would die off quickly. Hubert’s new plan was to kill off Ignatz and Sylvain as soon as possible to get them to leave.

Dorothea scoffed at Sylvain and rolled her eyes, “I’m Luna, and I’m training to be a mortal savant. While I’m bisexual, after meeting Jose I’m leaning towards women more exclusively.”

Felix cleared his throat, “I’m Mire. I came to this school to get stronger, not to make friends.”

“It’s supposed to be a character Felix, not yourself,” chided Sylvain. Felix growled as his response.

“I’m Banshee, gremory in training,” announced Lysithea. “I have come to Garreg Mach seeking revenge for my fallen family. All who stand in my way shall be met with a swift and painful end.”

“I’m Sir Ignacio, a new knight who enjoys stopping my horse and painting the beautiful landscapes I’ve seen in my many journeys,” said Ignatz. Hubert had given him some paper to start sketching out everyone’s characters. So far things were looking decent. He could stay alive in the game long enough to finish the art.

“And I am your humble host, _Death_,” whispered Hubert leaning into the natural creepiness of his voice. “I shall come for you all one by one unless you can survive the terrible secrets lurking in the dark halls of Garreg Mach. When you die in this game, you must leave this table, forever.” He drummed his fingers on the wood and wished he’d thought ahead to get some more dramatic lighting for the homeroom. “You have arrived at the officer’s academy and joined a new house, The Green Vipers, headed by the talented Princess Ladislava and her dutiful vassal, Randolph —”

Sylvain interrupted, “I move to ask Ladislava out to dinner. She sounds hot.”

Hubert stared at him, he hadn’t even gotten through the introduction to the game and already Sylvain was being a pain in the ass. Hubert passed him the dice, “Uh, okay, you need to role at least a seven for that to happen.” Damn his high charisma!

Sylvain rolled an eleven and cheered, “I take her to the dining hall, where they’re serving her favorite meal.”

Dorothea took the dice, “I hex Jose with a case of herpes.” She rolled, a twenty.

Hubert felt a thin smile cross his face, “Looks like a critical flare up Jose. Ladislava returns to her dorm room, alone. Anyway, as I was saying, you are now in the Green Viper house, taught by professor Blythe Miser.” He watched Sylvain reach for the dice and quickly Hubert grabbed them, “You already used your first turn, let me finish the damn introduction.” With the dice safely behind his trifold, Hubert continued, “Professor Miser has been recently hired by the archbishop of the church of Blerios, despite her total lack of credentials.”

“Hubie you’re just poorly rhyming names,” said Dorothea under her breath.

Hubert suppressed his frown; he’d like to see her come up with a whole role playing campaign. “The headmaster of the school, Seveth does not seem to trust Professor Miser, but he himself is also of a mysterious origin. In fact, most of the people in places of power at this school appear to have gotten their jobs despite questionable references. There is the school nurse, Trixie, who is a burlesque dancer on the side, the masked combat instructor, Jerry, who is always challenging people to duels to the death, the librarian, Todd, who likes to hang out near the graveyard, and a whole host of Knights of Blerios who have no business teaching children anything. It will be critical that you figure out who to trust, and fast.”

“Trixie sounds like someone Jose is very interested in meeting,” said Sylvain. “But these names aren’t exactly creating an immersive experience.”

“Look, I’m not good at making up names, if you come up with better suggestions I’ll consider changing them, but this is my campaign _Jose Hornier_,” said Hubert heatedly.

“Well, I go to Trixie to get my herpes looked at,” said Sylvain casually. “I pull out my massive dick and she’s very impressed.”

“Massive?” snorted Dorothea. “Massively average.”

Lysithea made a disgusted sound, “Ugh, I use my turn to cast a spell of shrinking on Jose’s package.”

Hubert passed her a six sided die, “Your role determines how many inches he loses.”

“Oof, a six, tough break Jose,” said Lysithea happily.

Dorothea laughed, “So now you have a negative one inch dick Sylvain, I mean, Jose.” Sylvain turned an alarming shade of red.

“I guess that’s settled,” said Hubert, glad to have Sylvain’s character successfully neutered.

“Can we fucking focus?” demanded Felix.

Ignatz meekly passed out the drawings of everyone’s character. Hubert choked on his coffee as he looked at Dorothea’s mortal savant and her ample physics defying breasts. Dorothea patted Ignatz on the head and then shoved him off the bench, “Pervert.” Hubert’s _Death_ was literally just Hubert with no embellishments. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that; Ignatz could have at least given him a spooky cape or something. Sylvain was shirtless, rippling with muscles and had been drawn with a large bulge in his pants that had clearly been erased to keep up with the events of the game.

Hubert cleared his throat, “Every month the Green Vipers are sent on some sort of mission, filled with clear and present dangers, because the school thinks this is somehow educational. For your first mission, Professor Miser takes you to the red canyon where you are set upon by a demonic beast.” Hubert paused as he looked out at the table, “Jose, Luna, and Banshee have already squandered their turns, and so Sir Ignacio and Mire must be the first to approach the great red wolf before it has a chance to attack.”

Ignatz took the dice, “I bravely charge the demonic beast with my lance.” He rolled, managing a two.

Hubert checked his chart, “You do no damage and the beast takes ten of your health points.”

Felix groaned as he got the dice, “I use my sword.” A six.

“You do four damage to the beast, but it takes four from you too.” Hubert took the dice and rolled them, an impressive twelve, “Tough break, the beast rears it’s bloody fangs and takes six health from every Green Viper.”

“Oh no,” said Ignatz as he tallied, “I only have two health points left!”

“Perhaps our resident gremory-in-training will heal you?” suggested Hubert as he gave Lysithea the dice.

“Fat chance, he has a vulnerary,” said Lysithea. “I cast whatever my strongest spell is.” She rolled, a twenty, _unbelievable_.

Hubert did the math and sighed, “You one shot the beast, it dies twisting in agony. Professor Miser heals you all and you collect a hundred gold pieces from the beast’s corpse.”

Sylvain high-fived her, “Nice going.” Sylvain took the dice, “We return to Remire village and go to the pub. Trixie is performing.”

Hubert braced himself for the next idiot thing that would come out of Sylvain’s mouth but Dorothea interjected, “Luna seduces Trixie before Jose gets a chance.” She held out her hand for the dice, which Sylvain reluctantly handed over, “Afterward she holds the performer and tries to get some information about the school.”

Finally someone was paying attention to the plot and getting the need to identify the bad guys; he gestured for Dorothea to roll, a pitiful four. “Because of the intensity of Luna’s love making, Trixie gets really sleepy and only has a chance to tell Luna the following, Jerry has more than one mask.”

“Jerry is a stupid name, can we just call people by their real names?” Felix folded his arms and scowled.

“This is a fictitious campaign, I can’t conflate real people with the plot lines I’ve come up with,” protested Hubert. He looked back at Dorothea, “Luna is intrigued, there are several masked people running around Garreg Mach causing trouble. There is the scary Massacre Man, who wears a frightful skull mask and likes to pick off young girls and drink their blood, and the Fire Pharaoh, a political dissident trying to topple the Church of Blerios.”

“We should try to find the Fire Pharaoh and stop him,” piped up Ignatz. “He’s clearly the villain!”

_Pity_, thought Hubert, now that the character drawings were finished, nothing was left to protect Ignatz from the dungeon master’s wrath. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, the Fire Pharaoh may have some reasonable points to make against organized religion.”

The courtyard clock could be heard ringing for 9 pm. “We will resume this tomorrow,” said Hubert as he began to pack up his things.

“What, we’re done for today?” Lysithea almost sounded disappointed.

“I have other stuff to do tonight, and we have class in the morning,” said Hubert curtly. “But I will reserve this room tomorrow from 7 to midnight, come back if you want to keep playing. And bring a token or something to represent yourself on the game board.”

“Can I bring beer?” probed Sylvain.

Hubert sighed, “If you bring enough to share. Sure.” He had a feeling that alcohol wouldn’t make Sylvain any more tolerable, but he was willing to experiment.

“I’ll bring some snacks,” said Lysithea. That meant cake, Hubert made a mental note to grab something less sickly sweet than the young mage’s typical fare.

“What about costumes?” Asked Ignatz.

Hubert’s nostrils flared, “If you must.”

The group slowly dispersed but Hubert noticed Felix following uncomfortably close behind him, “Do you have something you wish to say or do you just not understand personal space?” Hubert turned to corner the short swordsman as they walked towards the second floor dorm stairs.

“Why the hell did you invite Sylvain to play?” Felix scowled and crossed his arms. Hubert wondered vaguely if Felix’s elbows ever tired of constantly being in that position.

“He’s your friend, your best friend if I’m not mistaken,” started Hubert.

Felix snorted and Hubert sighed, “It’s important to keep the people you care about close, I don’t need to tell you that they can be taken away at any moment.”

A dark expression crossed Felix’s face, “Like you know anything about that —”

Hubert composed himself, “Oh, don’t I?” He leaned in to loom over Felix, making the shadows around the former Blue Lion appear that much darker. Hubert spoke in his slow draw, “Do you know what I have lost?” Hubert dropped his voice low for Felix’s ears alone, “You know I hate my father, but do you even know if I have a mother? Siblings? No? Well, I’ll tell you a little secret, I had a younger sister who was the dearest thing in my entire world. I cared for her, I protected her, and then she was taken away.” Hubert closed his eyes, “Your brother’s death was sudden and terrible I am sure, but at least take comfort that it was quick. My sister, well, she was taken slowly, tortuously.” Hubert pulled back into the shadows, “Trust me when I tell you there are worst things in this world than death, and one of those is surviving to watch the person you love chipped away until there is nothing of them left.”

Hubert was finished with talking to Felix, and slipped on by him to return to his room. He wondered vaguely what Edelgard would say if she heard him refer to her as his ‘little sister’. At one time, many years ago, that might have made her happy, but these days very little seemed to make her smile. 


	3. Exploring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The players use their free time to explore Garreg Mach, and a cheater is uncovered.

Hubert watched Edelgard practicing her axe swings in the training ground. This had been going on for about an hour, and would likely continue for another. He awkwardly rubbed his arm wondering how to best broach the topic, “Lady Edelgard, may I have this evening off?”

Edelgard paused her swinging and wiped the sweat from her brow with a towel, “Of course, but may I ask what you’re planning on doing?”

Hubert had nothing to gain from lying, “In the interest of better integrating Lysithea and Felix into the Black Eagles I started a game night.”

“A game night? Like chess?” Edelgard seemed confused. She didn’t really play games, certainly not RPGs.

“Sort of,” said Hubert reluctantly.

“May I join?” asked Edelgard. She had been especially curious about the two recruits given their less than smooth introduction into the house.

“Would you mind waiting until the next one? This one has gotten off to a, weird, start. I thought they would be more comfortable if I invited a member of the Blue Lions and Golden Deer houses to join, and well, I have regrets about it. Sylvain is participating,” said Hubert with distaste. “I promise that the next game night will be for all the Black Eagles and you will most certainly be invited.” He’d craft a magnificent campaign worthy of her, but he wasn’t letting her anywhere near Jose Hornier or Ignatz’s inappropriate sketches.

“Oh Hubert,” said Edelgard warmly. “You actually reached out to their former house mates to try to ease their transition? That’s so thoughtful of you, especially considering what they did.” She had not forgiven them yet but was at least maintaining a polite demeanor.

Hubert nodded along even though Ignatz and Sylvain had been invited out of pure accident. “Well, with the Battle of the Eagle and Lion coming up I just wanted to make sure there were no bad feelings.” Hubert could care less about the little inter-house competition but he could sense that Edelgard wanted badly to win. He’d do what he had to do to make that happen.

***

With his night secured, Hubert arrived at the homeroom promptly at 6:45 and began to set up. Last night had been rushed, tonight would be a proper experience. Hubert stole Byleth’s comfortable desk chair for himself to sit at the head of the table. He spread out the map and pulled free the various snacks he had swiped when the cooks weren’t paying attention. He gathered the candles towards their table so that the rest of the room would be shrouded in a frightful darkness. Hubert carefully set up his trifold and hid his personal bottle of whiskey discreetly behind it. For his final touch Hubert pulled free his great billowing black cloak that he kept for ritual and sacrifice and draped it across his shoulders. He hoped these children appreciated just how scary Death could be.

Dorothea was the first to arrive, “Hubie, you are such a massive dork.”

He glanced up at her in her robe with her sword at her hip and her hair tied back, clearly trying to look the part of mortal savant, “Takes one to know one.”

Dorothea grinned, “You know I’m only here to embarrass Sylvain.”

“He seems perfectly capable of doing that on his own,” said Hubert as reviewed his various notes on how the game was supposed to go.

Lysithea was next to arrive with a literal sack of cakes. She hopped up across from Dorothea and knitted her fingers together looking quite pleased to continue the game. Ignatz and Sylvain arrived soon after, both in costume. Ignatz had borrowed Caspar’s thunderbrand replica and wore the lightest weight leather armor available. Sylvain had gone in a rather opposite direction and was wearing his white button up completely undone. Hubert’s hand shot out to block Lysithea’s eyes in an involuntary fraternal reflex. “Sylvain, really that’s much more than we need to see.”

Sylvain deposited a six pack of beer upon the table and completely took off his shirt, “Hubert if my body makes you uncomfortable, that’s on you, not me.”

Lysithea had forcefully pulled down Hubert’s arm to goggle at Sylvain’s bare chest. Dorothea sighed, “Don’t make me put that shirt back on you.”

“Okay, if that’s what makes you happy,” said Sylvain as he pulled it back on and did up a couple buttons. He winked, “Maybe you just want to take it off me yourself later.”

Dorothea declined to respond as she grabbed a beer. Felix came in wordlessly, not in costume, and took the last spot around the table. Sylvain opened his own beer and Lysithea grabbed one for herself.

Hubert plucked the unopened beer bottle away from Lysithea, “No, absolutely not.”

“Hubert! You’re not my mom,” protested Lysithea as she reached for it.

“You’re fifteen! No,” said Hubert as he gathered up the bottles and stored them safely behind his trifold. He glared at Felix and Ignatz, “You have to be eighteen to drink alcohol, it’s literally a monastery rule.” He was not getting any extra detention for furnishing these fools.

“Why are you such a wet blanket?” whined Lysithea.

Hubert pulled out the sweet apple juice he’d brought specially for her, “I got you juice.” She glared at him. Hubert shrugged, “What do you not like juice?”

“I like juice,” she said under her breath. She sipped it while giving him a death stare.

Dorothea and Sylvain clinked their bottles together as Hubert poured his first drink. He looked around at them, “Did you remember to bring your tokens?”

Ignatz produced a beautiful blue stone used for making paint pigments. Dorothea had a silver brooch commemorating the opera, and Lysithea had brought along an adorable little princess doll that she insisted didn’t belong to her. Sylvain dug around in his pockets and found an unused lipstick. Hubert paused, “Felix, do you have something you want to represent you?”

Felix sighed with disgust and unbelted his dagger, practically throwing it upon the table.

“Excellent,” said Hubert as he drew up his notes, “We left off after Banshee destroyed a demonic beast and Luna elicited some tantalizing information about the combat instructor Jerry.” He gestured to the map, “After battle, you are rewarded with some free time to explore the monastery. No area is off limits, but, I warn you that you may find you are not alone. Your roll will determine whether you meet friend or foe.”

Ignatz went first, “I go to the Cathedral to thank Blerios for my safety in the last battle.” He moved his stone on the map and proceeded to roll a two, the kid could not catch a break. Luckily for him Hubert hadn’t filled the cathedral with anything too terrible.

“You enter the Cathedral and pray to Saint Blerios. However a strange noise catches your attention. You follow it outside and find yourself at the well. You find a cat stuck at the bottom,” began Hubert.

“Poor cat,” whispered Sylvain, looking uncharacteristically shaken.

“You rescue the cat, but because you only rolled a two it thanks you by scratching you in the face. You’ll later tell people you got those scars breaking up a bar fight,” explained Hubert.

Sylvain went next, “I decide to check out the sauna.” He rolled a four.

Hubert pulled out his notes on the sauna, “After the battle it’s only natural to want to get clean. You sit down to relax when none other than Todd, the eighty year old librarian joins you. The rest of the sauna is empty, but he’s decided he’s going to sit right next to you.”

Sylvain grimaced, “I ask Todd if he’s done anything interesting lately.”

“Oh, Todd is well traveled, it seems he’s always on the move. Quite a lot of energy for a seemingly elderly man. He tells you he’s just been visiting the alliance,” said Hubert. “You find it strange since he has no family there.”

Felix was next, “I’m training.” He rolled a sixteen. Hubert hummed along as he pulled out the relevant sheet, “You enter the sword tournament and sweep it. Afterward Jerry approaches you to spar, do you accept?”

“Obviously,” said Felix, looking unamused.

“You and the combat instructor have a very intense sparring match. Every time you are on the cusp of getting the upper hand, the master seems to predict your move, and my he’s much stronger than his frame lets on,” said Hubert. “You end in a mutual draw, both impressed by the other’s skills.” Hubert paused to take a sip of his drink, while hoping Felix would react with some sort of follow up, but he was proving an unenthusiastic player. “Would you like to talk to Jerry about anything?”

“No,” said Felix. Hubert jotted down a small note, he was still evaluating the new Black Eagles for their reactions after all. It was clear that Felix was suited more towards things that didn’t require him to engage in a conversation.

Lysithea scratched her chin as she studied the map. “I want to go here.” She pointed to an area near the cathedral.

“The mausoleum, are you sure?” asked Hubert in his spookiest voice.

“Do I have to repeat myself?” Asked Lysithea impatiently as she grabbed a cake and the dice. Lysithea rolled a twenty.

Hubert narrowed his gaze in on her. “Roll that again.”

“What? Why?” Lysithea asked innocently.

“Just humor me,” said Hubert.

Reluctantly she rolled again, _twenty_. Hubert took the dice and rolled them, fifteen. “Are you cheating somehow?”

“Excuse me? No I would never cheat,” said Lysithea defensively. “How dare you, I’m just really good at this game that’s all.”

The rest of the table looked at her closely. Lysithea calmly sipped her juice, and did not break under the collective stare.

Hubert _tsk’d_ and looked at the compromised dice. He had no idea how she was doing it but she’d had exclusively perfect rolls last night as well. “Until you roll something less than critical, I’m afraid I must enact the cheater meter. You will receive a critical fail for each perfect roll.”

“_What?_” Lysithea was incensed. “You can’t punish me just for being good at this!”

“Good at it? It’s chance!” retorted Hubert. “Your rolls have been statistically unlikely.” He put her doll into the mausoleum. “You sneak into the mausoleum, an area that is off bounds for all but one night a year. The door shuts behind you and you hear the unfortunate sound of the lock sliding into place, trapping you in the total darkness.”

“I cast a spell of light,” said Lysithea, undeterred, “And start to explore.”

Hubert twisted his head allowing his neck to crack, that always unsettled people, “Oh Lysithea, you poor foolish girl. There’s a noise coming from the center of the room, but it’s not the mewing of a cat trapped in a well.” Hubert took off a glove and slowly scratched his fingernails underneath the table, “It sounds as if something is trying to get free from the tomb that is its prison.” Hubert increased the ferocity of his scratching, “There’s a reason that the mausoleum is only accessible one night a year, for the other 364 days it belong to them.”

“And who would that be,” demanded Lysithea fearlessly.

The scratching silenced and Hubert stared at her, letting his voice grow cold and serious, “_Ghosts_.”

She literally screamed as he said it, causing Hubert to jump back in his seat. Lysithea looked embarrassed, “G-ghosts aren’t real!”

“Well this is a role playing game in which they are real, and they’re really chasing you around the mausoleum.” He regarded the dice, “And because you won’t tell me what you’ve done to these dice, I’m afraid that you are just trapped with the ghosts until they murder you.”

Lysithea had gone white, her magenta eyes wide with fear, “I hexed them! There are you happy now?”

“Cheater,” sneered Hubert as he studied her. It was good to know that someone else played as dirty as he did. “From now on, Lysithea’s rolls must be cast by another’s hand, can we agree on that?” Everyone nodded.

“Damn girl,” laughed Dorothea under her breath as she took the dice. “I hear Banshee’s wailing from the mausoleum and come to rescue her.” She rolled a reasonable twelve.

“You succeed in pulling Banshee to safety right before the ghosts are about to kill her off,” said Hubert carefully as he returned his glove to his hand. “She’s very shaken, do you comfort her or critique her?”

“I sing her a beautiful song I once heard echoing through Enbarr,” said Dorothea as she regarded the younger mage with fondness. “It’s a sad one, but it brought me great comfort when I was scared about sleeping on the streets at night.”

Hubert watched as the other’s eyes traced to Dorothea, they might have had a vague idea of her life before the opera, but they didn’t seem to know the full story. It wasn’t something she was terribly open about to those she didn’t know well, but sometimes little details slipped free.

“You slept on the streets?” Lysithea’s voice was small.

Dorothea froze for a moment and then laughed, “It’s just role playing, don’t everyone get all serious on me.” She took a long sip of her beer and avoided eye contact.

Hubert saved her from being the focus of any additional unwanted attention and continued with the campaign, “The free time to explore the monastery is over, and Professor Miser announces that the Green Vipers must go Ailell, the Valley of Torment, to deal with rebels working the Fire Pharaoh.”


	4. Strategic Retreats and Untimely Demises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jose attempts to seduce Massacre Man, or, the players finally break their DM.

Felix wasn’t sure why exactly he was bothering to go through these motions. Lysithea and Dorothea were enthusiastically playing along with Hubert’s dumb game; maybe it was a mage thing? Sylvain was clearly just trying to get into Dorothea’s robe, and Ignatz was a nerd, plain and simple. Felix could be training right now. Actually, Felix could literally be doing anything else and it would be a better use of time.

Hubert was describing the fires of Ailell with great detail, and Felix imagined him buying up real estate there to take vacations in hell. Hubert also seemed to really like the Fire Pharaoh, but as far as Felix was concerned people who hid behind masks weren’t worth following. Dimitri had his mask, the good little prince to cover up his insatiable blood lust. Felix had watched that pretty mask cracking through the semester, and he knew the prince wasn’t sleeping. The only regret Felix had about leaving the Blue Lions was not being there to put Dimitri down when he finally snapped.

Edelgard wore a mask of ice and confidence, but he’d watched her stumbling through talking to the professor, who she so clearly had a crush on. Then there was Claude; Felix didn’t have the patience to sort out what was real and what fake with heir of the Alliance. Hubert also wore a mask; he was a massive creep on the surface, and yet he had managed to find some snack to please every single person at the table. Now Hubert expected Felix to put on a mask too with this dumb role playing.

Hubert could go fuck himself. Felix was going to be exactly who he was whether anyone else cared for it or not. If his friends didn’t want to accept him as he was, then maybe he didn’t need friends. Maybe he just needed his sword.

Felix listened as Ignatz, who clearly knew nothing about being a caviler, suggested he was going to charge the Fire Pharaoh head on. Hubert attempted to dissuade him but Ignatz was firm. Felix wondered if Lysithea had hexed the dice so that Ignatz was only capable of rolling below a four. That seemed like exactly the kind of thing she’d do.

“You charge at the Fire Pharaoh through smoke and brimstone. Your lance is poised for the Flame Pharaoh’s heart, and your trusting horse gallops at your guidance. You think your weapon will plunge straight in but what you failed to account for is that his enemy is not a piddling bandit or even a demonic beast. You strike and the Fire Pharaoh engages counter attack, and you feel the blow returned ten fold. You succeed in forcing the Fire Pharaoh to retreat, but it comes at the price of your life.”

Ignatz put his hand over his heart, “Sir Ignacio looks up at the sky and recalls his many journeys as the light fades from his eyes.” Ignatz closed his eyes and hung his head.

“Does anyone have anything they wish to say to remember Sir Ignacio?” Hubert was met with silence. He sighed as he looked at Ignatz’s crestfallen face. He finished his drink as if he needed it to get through what he had to say, “Sir Ignacio may have been a relatively new knight, but he was very brave. His beautiful landscape paintings, and uh, imaginative portraits, went on to hang in palaces and castles throughout the land.”

Ignatz took a deep breath and stood up, “Hubert, thank you for including me in this campaign, even though I know you didn’t want to. I had a lot of fun, and if you’re ever running another one I would love to play.”

Felix watched him collect his things and remove his blue stone from the board. He left the homeroom and Felix briefly considered having Mire off himself in order to get out of this game. He suspected Hubert would probably pull some resurrection bullshit out of his weird cloak.

Hubert looked a little embarrassed, “Was it really that obvious I didn’t want him around?”

They broke for a bathroom break. Sylvain waited until Hubert had left the men’s restroom before talking to Felix, “So how’s the new house?”

“It’s fine,” said Felix. He kept his words curt, he didn’t want to talk to Sylvain after learning he’d been voted out of the Blue Lions.

“Well if you ever get bored and want to hang out with Ingrid and me —”

“I don’t,” said Felix. They were the last people he wanted to see.

“You’re hanging out with me right now,” challenged Sylvain in his annoying, teasing way.

“You’re only here because you’re trying to get with Dorothea,” growled Felix.

“No, I wouldn’t play a game this weird just to get with a girl, who if you haven’t noticed is actively sabotaging me every turn. I’m trying to spend time with you,” said Sylvain looking a little hurt.

Felix set his face into a firm frown as he walked away from Sylvain and back to the homeroom.

Dorothea was braiding Lysithea’s hair and offering to do the younger girl’s make up some time. They were getting along like they had known each other for years. This was the part of the Black Eagle’s house he hadn’t anticipated: the two oldest members and their weird older sibling dynamic with all the others. Felix looked at Hubert as if daring him to try to engage in some unsolicited friendship. Felix had had an older brother, he sure as hell didn’t want Hubert trying to fill that role. Yet Hubert was keeping a healthy distance from Felix; other than their little spat last night, Felix had barely gotten a single lecture from Hubert since joining the house.

Sylvain sat down and with everyone back the campaign resumed. Hubert made them explore the monastery some more and Felix groaned as he listened to the others getting into the game. Lysithea explored the library and found some books that Hubert insisted had interesting information. Dorothea role played cooking everyone a defense boosting meal, even though in real life she couldn’t cook toast. Sylvain went up to the second floor to bother Seveth and ended up getting a fake detention. Felix used his turn to train alone.

“Professor Miser decides that to better process the untimely demise of Sir Ignacio, you’re going to take a vacation to the great city of Arianhod. She says it’s a place she’s always wanted to visit, but when Massacre Man shows up you wonder if you’ve been set up,” says Hubert as he passed Sylvain and Dorothea another beer.

“Hubert,” said Lysithea in the voice she used when she wanted something. “I’m all out of juice. I would very much like to try a beer.”

“No,” yawned Hubert as he opened one for himself. There was now just one bottle left.

“But wouldn’t you feel better knowing that my first drinking experience was somewhere safe with you rather than, I don’t know, at one of Claude and Hilda’s parties?” She pouted at him, “What if I don’t know my limits, and something bad happens?”

“Come on Hubie, the girl’s got a good point,” said Sylvain.

“Call me Hubie again and see what happens,” whispered Hubert as he relented. He split the last bottle into two glasses, one for Lysithea and one for Felix.

Lysithea tried it and immediately made a face, “Ugh, this is gross!” Felix didn’t drink his, he’d watched Sylvain puke enough times in the past to know he wasn’t interested.

“You’re welcome, tell Seteth or Edelgard, and I’m setting all the ghosts in Garreg Mach on you,” warned Hubert. “Okay, where were we, right, Massacre Man shows up and wrecks your sight seeing plans.”

“Jose decides after seeing Sir Igancio try to take on the Fire Pharaoh, he’s not super interested in fighting Massacre Man. Instead, he decides he’ll take a leaf from Luna’s book and try seducing a man,” said Sylvain confidently. “This is definitely his first time trying anything like that,” Sylvain threw in for good measure. Felix rolled his eyes, Sylvain had hit on a scarecrow and Ingrid’s grandma, he didn’t exactly have a type beyond vaguely human shaped.

Hubert pinched the bridge of his nose, “Of course you’re going to seduce him. Right, you need to roll at least a seven to catch his interest.”

Sylvain only managed a six, Hubert sighed, “You go up to Massacre Man in all your glory and offer yourself like a sacrificial lamb. He takes one look at you and he’s hungry, but only for your blood.”

“Luna coaches him through it,” interrupted Dorothea with a sigh. She rolled a seventeen.

Hubert stared at the dice, “Fine. Luna jumps in and helps Jose, and Massacre Man pauses, suddenly interested in what the pair might do to him. He’s always been a fighter, not a lover, but now he’s reconsidering the lonely bachelor lifestyle he leads. Will he break Hornier’s curse, or just his hunky body?”

“Uh, I take him in my arms,” said Sylvain. “And we dance, like two fate-intertwined lovers at the Garreg Mach ball. We’re on the great wall of the fortress, it’s a nice view, so we get a little closer. Then I push Massacre Man off the edge.”

“Clever,” said Hubert as his lip curled. He was clearly annoyed as he passed Sylvain a six sided die, “Roll and we’ll see if it works.”

Sylvain dropped the die and his face fell, a two. Hubert drew in a slow breath, “You push Massacre Man to his certain doom, for who could descend a wall like that and survive? Yet your embrace was too close and he pulls you with him. You manage at the last second to hold onto the wall with one hand.”

“Help!” said Sylvain getting into his character. “Don’t let the crest Hornier die with me!”

“I already used my turn, sorry Jose,” said Dorothea as she patted his shoulder.

Lysithea shrugged, “I would like to see the line of Hornier ended.”

“Banshee, we never even had a chance to see if this relationship was going anywhere,” pleaded Sylvain.

Everyone had turned to Felix. Hubert was staring at him, “One of Jose’s fingers slips. Remember this is your best friend. He’s only got three left clinging to the wall.” Felix stayed silent. Hubert continued, “He’s got two fingers now. He’s getting tired.” Hubert sighed, “If you don’t say anything before I finish this sip I’m letting him die.”

Felix held out. Hubert began to drink.

“You’re really going to let me fall of this wall aren’t you,” said Sylvain in a resigned whisper. He drank his own beer as if preparing for impact.

Hubert gave Felix a look of intense anger as he continued to tough out the continuous sip, but it wouldn’t matter in a few moments since his bottle was running out.

“Well it was good knowing everyone, Banshee, you’re a cold hearted cheater, but I respect you; Luna, we could have made beautiful love together that you’d never forget,” said Sylvain dramatically. “And Mire, I forgive you.”

“Fuck, I save Jose,” yelled Felix as he caved and rescued Sylvain’s stupid role playing character.

Hubert slammed his empty bottle on the table, “About fucking time.”

“Uh oh, Hubie’s cursing,” teased Dorothea. “Somebody’s drunk now.”

Hubert massaged his face, “Mire, at the very last possible moment, jumps in to rescue Jose.”

“Shouldn’t I roll, maybe I drop him,” growled Felix. “Maybe he pulls me with him and we die together.” Then Felix could finally leave.

“No, you save him. Everyone lives happily ever after,” said Hubert grouchily. He regarded his empty beer bottle as if he’d made a terrible mistake.

Sylvain took Felix into a surprise hug, “You actually saved me you sneaky son of a bitch, I knew you cared!”

“I don’t care,” snarled Felix as he pushed Sylvain away. He got up, “This game is dumb. I’m done playing.”

He half expected Hubert to tell him some stupid reason why he couldn’t go, but the mage merely wrapped himself up in his cloak with a sleepy expression, “Okay, then leave.”

“What?” Sylvain gestured at Lysithea and Dorothea, “You save me only to leave me at their mercy? That’s sadistic!”

“Oh we’ll take good care of you,” said Lysithea with a familiar murderous glint in her eyes.

Hubert sighed, “It’s fine, the game’s over.” They had finally succeeded in breaking him with their stupid antics.

“Hubie this is not the end of this game,” said Dorothea in shock. “You’re way too melodramatic to let it end like this.”

“You forced the Fire Pharaoh to retreat, somehow you out right killed Massacre Man, and the only thing I have left up my sleeve is the archbishop Raymond, but I know you’re just going to tell me it’s dumb,” muttered Hubert. He shut his eyes, “I quit.”

“Oh I’m sure it’s _super_ dumb but we’ve been playing for hours, you can’t just quit!” insisted Lysithea. “How will I win if you quit?”

“Quick, we have to make him coffee, he’s falling asleep,” said Dorothea as she got up to sprint to the back of the homeroom where Hubert kept his coffee.

“It’s like, 10:30 how is he falling asleep?” demanded Felix with annoyance. Hubert had managed to inadvertently ruin Felix’s escape, what a jerk.

“He’s old,” said Lysithea shaking her head. She tried some more of her beer and scrunched up her face since it had not magically gotten any tastier. 

“What a lightweight, he had like three drinks,” complained Sylvain.

“Eh, he can usually handle a bit more,” said Dorothea knowingly as she got the kettle going. “He just doesn’t sleep, he was up all last night.”

“Oh and how do you know that?” Sylvain actually looked slightly jealous at the idea of Dorothea getting cozy with Hubert. Felix was repulsed by the mental image that conjured.

“Uh possessive much? I know he was up because his room is directly above mine, I can hear him pacing at all hours of the night,” complained Dorothea. She ground up some coffee and started the pour over, “This isn’t the first time this has happened. One time he literally passed out in front of Linhardt —”

“Stop gossiping about me,” complained Hubert groggily as he pulled his cloak over his face.

Dorothea rolled her eyes as she prepared some tea for everyone else. She dropped her voice to a whisper, “Why do you think he has those dark circles under his eyes all the time?”

Sylvain shrugged, “As far as I know Hubert only has one eye, I’ve never seen the other one.”

Lysithea pulled the cloak off of Hubert and pushed up his hair, “Two eyes confirmed. Oh no, now he’s glaring at me.”

“Please,” begged Hubert. “I’m tired, I shouldn’t have had that last beer so fast, and none of you are even taking this seriously.”

Dorothea pushed the coffee mug under his nose, “Come on Hubie, you know you want it.”

Sylvain finished his beer and then proceeded to drink both Lysithea’s and Felix’s, “Look Hubert, now we’re even. If I can handle this so can you.”

Hubert grimaced as he drank the coffee Dorothea had prepared. He sorted through his notes and plucked out the final boss battle, “Fine, we skip to the end game. You must defeat the archbishop Raymond and his hoards of demonic beasts.”


	5. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The players get into the game just as the DM is trying to get out.

“I can hit you with thunder if that’ll help you wake up,” Lysithea offered Hubert. Dorothea snorted, she hadn’t known Lysithea very well before the younger student suddenly up and joined the Black Eagles, but this girl was a hoot. Dorothea loved Edie and Petra and Bernie, but it was nice to have someone around who could keep up with her level of sass.

“I could use meteor,” suggested Dorothea.

“You’ve done enough, thank you,” Hubert was resting his face against one hand as he finished his coffee. From the expressions he was making Dorothea knew she had probably made it awfully. It wasn’t her fault he liked bitter dirt water and not tea.

She took a moment to adjust her hair and look at Sylvain out of the corner of her eye. He was talking to Felix, and Felix was actually responding, what a relief. She had been sure this was going to be Hubert’s worst plan yet when he had suggested she lure Sylvain into this dumb game, but it had worked marvelously.

She’d gone on enough first dates with Sylvain to know that he was hung up on crests and girls. Dorothea didn’t have a crest, didn’t want one, and she was a woman, not a girl. Maybe if he grew up a bit she’d give him another chance, but until then he was a guy who was fun to fool around with and a complete bore to try and date.

Felix was a jerk who had broken her wrist and barely apologized. She didn’t really want to help him, but she appreciated Hubert’s point that the guy wasn’t exactly making friends in their house. Dorothea was okay letting Felix wallow for a bit longer until he was forced to be nice or perish. Hubert had convinced her, albeit in slightly different words, that Felix would probably be less of a moody little bitch if he could reconcile an existing friendship. That had been good motivation because Dorothea found Felix insufferable. 

So Dorothea had suggested dinner to Sylvain, and as if scripted he had messed things up within the first twenty minutes. Then she had stormed out of the dining hall towards the homeroom, fast enough to look serious, but slow enough for him to follow. Hook, line, sinker.

Hubert finished his coffee looking just as haggard as always — she had been trying to give him a make over for months — and pulled up his notes for the final battle. “We skip the carefully crafted and relevant back story and jump to the conclusion,” said Hubert. “You don’t have all the facts but you do know this, when you get back to school, things aren’t cool. Your beloved and feared archbishop, Raymond, or Ray to his friend Seveth, has lost his shit. And not in the way when we lose things and the professor returns them, no Ray has gone crazy.”

Hubert sucked in a deep breath, “And when Ray loses it, he becomes a monstrously large dragon creature, a fell beast of old.” Everyone exchanged confusing looks but Hubert was undeterred, “And now you must kill him.”

“Oh so there are actually dungeons _and_ dragons in this game,” mused Sylvain. “Because I was really confused yesterday when you called it that.”

“Yeah there’s a big fucking dragon and you have to kill it, let me know what harebrained bullshit you come up with,” said Hubert angrily. He was usually scathing but Dorothea loved the way that when he was drunk he metaphorically took off his gloves and started blurting out his ridiculous inner monologue.

Felix nodded to Sylvain and moved his dagger and Sylvain's lipstick to the cathedral, “Mire and Jose decide to attack together in a combined assault. We aim to break down the monster’s shield to allow the others to have a stronger hit.” He rolled, a fourteen. Sylvain psyched himself up and rolled a sixteen. The two linked arms and pretended to charge an imaginary dragon from their seats.

“You succeed in weakening the dragon’s defenses but you have to get close, and Ray bites back,” said Hubert viciously. He showed them the math, they’d maybe halved Ray’s health points working together. Hubert took the dice and rolled a natural twenty. “Mire and Jose go down together, in a literal blaze, there is no glory in their deaths only pointlessness.”

“Fuck,” said Felix angrily. “Hubert what the fuck?”

“That’s the roll!” said Hubert getting up from his chair and pointing again to more math. He was so dramatic; Dorothea was convinced in another life he would have been a top class actor if he hadn’t been a noble.

“Banshee casts Dark Spikes where the dragon is weakest,” said Lysithea as she got up on the bench. She pointed down at Dorothea, “Luna do me the honor of rolling my dice!”

Dorothea cupped her hands and shook the dice, blowing a kiss in for good measure before doing the roll, a solid nineteen. Lysithea raised her arms up in the air as if she’d just killed an actual dragon.

“You do a good deal of damage,” said Hubert, “But Ray is still hanging on by the strings of his crazy dragon heart, his health points are in the single digits.” Hubert rolled the dice, “You are hit in retaliation and barely survive. You find that you are rooted to the spot.”

“Should I heal you?” asked Dorothea uncertainly.

“Give Ray hell,” hissed Lysithea as she feigned a life threatening injury.

“Luna casts Sagittae!” Dorothea rolled, only an eight.

Hubert cackled, “You miss!” He rolled, a fucking fifteen. “You’re both in range for his mighty counter, and you die!” Hubert was laughing his ass off as the rest of them looked stunned.

“What, no!” screamed Lysithea as she triple checked the math. They had lost, big time.

“It appears you were too under leveled,” sighed Hubert drying his eyes. “Perhaps if we kept this campaign going for say, five years, you might just have been strong enough to beat Ray and his hoards.”

“Was this your plan all along?” demanded Lysithea, incensed.

Hubert smirked, “Oh now you care about my plans?” He yawned, “Game over, so sorry.”

“Game’s over, party’s not,” said Dorothea to quell the tension as she carefully pulled out the liquor she’d been saving for the post game. She knew Hubie was going to pull some shit like this, she was just amazed how long he’d stretched it out. She’d come prepared with other ways to make the most of the Friday night spent with such an odd assemblage of people.

Their night ended much later than the game, with Sylvain and Felix supporting a truly passed out Hubert between them as they drunkenly drug him up the stairs to the second floor of the dorms. Dorothea and Lysithea followed behind picking up the edges of his ridiculously long cape. “Vampire, vampire coming through,” Dorothea sang loudly through the hall as they walked. More than a couple students could be seen poking their heads out of their doors to catch what was going on.

They tossed Hubert onto his bed and Dorothea used his cloak to tuck him in. As they turned to leave Felix ran back and began to dig behind Hubert’s pillows. He pulled free a precious looking stuffed pegasus and then shoved it between Hubert’s arms. As if reflexively, the sleeping mage buried his face into the stuffed animal, murmuring something too faint to hear. Sylvain and Lysithea were supporting each other through their fits of silent laughter. Felix was smirking at his job well done. Dorothea covered her smile with her hand, Hubert was almost cute, almost but not quite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it turns out Ignatz was the only unplanned attendee, and Dorothea and Hubert were just conspiring to make Felix more tolerable by trying to force him to hang out with Sylvain and reconcile their friendship. 
> 
> Well, that concludes this light interlude, in the next part, thing continue to get derailed.


End file.
